When I was a kid my little brother was having a hard time dealing with bullies at school. We were at different schools and I couldn’t protect him but I told him I’d sneak out of my school and come over to his and confront them with him. And when we hugged, he said he was ok and it was enough comfort that I would come if he needed it. He said he’d sort it out himself. And I felt that I was enough of a big sister to keep him safe.

The truth is I rarely feel I am enough. Enough somehow translates into ‘success’ for me, which really isn’t quite the same thing.
A few moments I can think of when I have felt like enough
Holding my newborn nephew for the first time. His hand on my cheek.
Me and my partner’s first kiss. An utter surprise.
Getting into grad school
Visiting family in WI, quiet time together
So many moments of not being enough..
Is that ambition? Self doubt? Lack of belief? Society telling me I can never be good enough?

I don’t think this time or feeling has arrived for me yet. If it has, I’ve way too easily forgotten, or just didn’t notice at all. I may not be the type of person that can actively accept that I’m enough. That acceptance could be a completely passive experience that goes unacknowledged, an undercurrent in the many waves that continue to propel me forward. It’s honestly something that I don’t want to focus on: feeling like I’m enough. The question alone brings about the doubt that I ever was. It immediately ignites a small spark of alarm, pulling me away from the comfort and confidence of ignorance, into this questioning swamp which washes that pinpointed instance away just as fast as the content feeling might’ve come. I’m not sure if or when I’ve felt enough, but right now that’s nice. I’m sure I’d drive myself to madness trying to define what that is for me and pinpoint those memories anyway.
So concludes: Another Installment in Not Answering the Question